Chat room frenzy
by Cereal Ciller
Summary: WARNING: If you are looking for something serious to read, this is not where you should be looking. Go back NOW! Okay, now that's out of the way, Disclaimer: I do not own ANYTHING aside from the story. Just read and enjoy the crack and the weirdness of it all. The Fate stay/night casts discover chat room.
1. RIP Shinji Heroic spirit knows innuendos

**-Magical girl Ilya-chan, Rin, Sakura, Saber and Rider has joined this chartroom- **

Ilya: Hey everyone! ^^

Rin: …Hey

Sakura: Are you feeling alright, nee-san?

Saber: Yes, Rin, you do sound a little frustrated.

Rider: Probably because of the sexual tension between her and Archer.

Ilya: LOL! :P

Rin: !

Sakura: Rider!

Rider: Sorry master.

Saber: What is this sexual tension that you speak of?

Rin: …

Rider: …

Sakura: …

Ilya: LOL!

**-Rider has left this chat room- **

Sakura: Rider?

* * *

As the door to her room swung open, Saber looked up from her current new obsession- iPhone4- that Gilgamesh had given her along with his phone number in the contact list. After consulting Shirou, she had decided to give the device a chance and surprisingly, she had found it to be very addicting. Rin had showed her this app that allowed anyone with the same app to chat together from far away.

Technologies.

If only she had something like this during her reign. It would have made communication so much easier.

In front of her was Rider, staring at her with her usual stoic face.

Staring.

And staring.

Rider moved to stand directly in front of Saber in one long stride.

Saber readied her invisible sword, ready to block any possible attacks.

Sakura and Shirou had had an alliance but one could never be too careful.

Still, Rider didn't seem to be showing any signs of hostility so Saber allowed her to get a bit closer.

Rider bent down and whispered something in the King's ear before quickly exiting the house.

* * *

**-Rider has joined the chat room-**

Sakura: Rider, you're back. Where were you?

Rider: I went and explained some details to Saber. I hope you don't mind, master.

Sakura: That's okay but what did you explain?

Rin: Hey, Saber is a bit silent. Saber?

Saber: What is it, Rin?

Rin: Oh, it's nothing. Just checking if you're alright. What did Rider explain to you?

Saber: …that…is confidential I'm afraid.

Rider: Sexual tension and the sort.

Rin: …OH

Sakura: …OH

Saber: One of these days Rider, one of these days…

Ilya: LOLOL! I WANT PONIES. I WATCH ADVENTURE TIME WHILE I'M CUDDLING MY FAVOURITE TEDDY BEAR IN BERSERKER'S LAP.

Rin: …You are a bit hyper today.

Ilya: …I MAY OR MAY NO- oops, the capital lock is still on. Anyways, I may or may not have had too much sugar.

Sakura: …HA HA! Blackmail material. *Smirk*

Saber: Umm… Sakura?

Rin: Is it HER again?

Rider: Yes, it is. It seems that evil master has taken over. Please give me a moment.

Sakura: Urrk!

**-Sakura has left the chat room-**

Rin: …What have you done with Sakura?

Rin: Just a little something. Have no worries, I would never hurt my master.

Ilya: What about Shinji?

Rider: Who?

Ilya: You know, your 'master'? Sakura's 'brother'? The guy who rapes her on nightly basis? The useless guy?

Rin: Yes he is pretty much useless. He doesn't get anything ri- WHAT?!

Ilya: What what?

Rin: Rider. You and me. Weapons. Kill. Shinji. NOW.

Rider: I wholeheartedly agree. I needed a reason to kill him anyways. I have tried several methods including trying to run him over with a bike but he just doesn't die.

Rin: Well, that's soon going to change.

**-Useless worm has joined the chat room-**

Shinji: Hey! Who hacked into my account?!

Ilya: *cough*

Shinji: You little brat, I'll kill you!

**-Berserker has joined the chat room- **

Berserker: RARGGHH!

Shinji: …On second thoughts, maybe not.

Rin: Why hello, Shinji. It is MOST delightful to see you join our humble chat.

Rider: Indeed, MASTER.

Shinji: Oh, hey guys. I was wondering, has any of you seen Sakura? I really need her for something.

Rin: Oh? Something is it? Care to share this 'SOMETHING'?

Rider: Yes, and _I _was wondering, MASTER, have you been feeling a bit tense lately?

Shinji: Now that you've mentioned it, yes, yes I have.

Rider: Would you like Rin and me to give you a massage?

Shinji: That would be great. Now would be a good time.

**-Shinji, Rin and Rider has left the Chat room-**

* * *

Shinji excitedly ran to the door. It was about time that everyone recognised his awesomeness. He opened the door and greeted a murderous looking pair of women. They closed in on him, their respective weapons raised. Shinji made a frantic dash for his bedroom door. It was hopeless.

R.I.P

Shinji Matou, Rest in Pieces. He was a useless classmate, an annoying guy and a wimpy individual. No one particularly liked him if at all. He rests in the Matou mansion, his dead body left in his bedroom.

"NOOOOOOO! HELL-ARRGGHHH!"

* * *

**-Rin and Rider has joined the chat room-**

Saber: Welcome back.

Ilya: how did it go?

Rin: Wonderfully.

Rider: It was the best moment of my life.

Berserker: RARRGHH!

Rin: You're still here?

Berserker: RARRGHH!

Ilya: Oops, I almost forgot, it's nearly his feeding time. Come on Berserker; let's get you fed on the petty huma- I mean vegetable vitamins. Yes, that's what I was about to say.

Saber: I have raised my opinion of you Berserker, you have good tastes.

Rin: …I feel a headache. I'll pretend I didn't hear all that.

**-Ilya and Berserker has left the chat room- **

**-Sakura has joined the chat room-**

Sakura: Hello everyone. I thought I heard nii-san's scream just now.

Rin: It was probably just your imagination.

Sakura: Hmmm…okay! :)

**-Shirou has joined the chat room-**

Shirou: Saber! It's dinner time!

Saber: Shirou! I have waited for this moment. Let us go now for hunger is the enemy.

Shirou: …Yea…

**-Shirou and Saber has left the chat room-**

Rin: Well, I guess it's about time we all left too. I need my sleep.

**-Rin has left the chat room-**

Saber: Shall we go as well, Rider?

Rider: Yes, master.

**-Sakura and Rider has left the chat room-**

* * *

A/N: Please review and tell me whether you would like this to be continued. Hope you enjoyed this piece of crack.

-Sai, signing off-


	2. OOC A woman's wrath

**Archer, Gilgamesh the great, and Shirou have created a chat room**

Shirou: Why am I involved?

Archer: More importantly, why am _I_ involved?

Gilgamesh: Hah! I don't have anything to do so I have decided that you two scoundrels will entertain me. Be honoured.

Shirou: umm… thanks, I guess. But I'm really busy right now. Saber is demanding food and a hungry Saber is not to be messed with.

Archer: I agree. But, on the topic of Saber, I am surprised that you(golden boy) haven't invited Saber.

Gilgamesh: Fool! Of course I thought of that. However, for some reason, the king of knights has blocked me. She has guts to do that!

Archer: Well, she certainly has the guts to eat loads. I remember working my back off just to feed her mouth.

Shirou: Your back? Try your back, arms andlegs. Literally. I tell you, she does not go easy on you when you are sparring.

Archer: Pshh. If you think Saber is a hassle to take care of, try living with Rin. She demands tea EVERY. FREAKING. SECOND. OF. HER. LIFE.

Shirou: Been there, done that, made the teas. Tell me something I don't know.

Gilgamesh: How dare you insolent brats ignore me, the almighty king of heroes! … let me join the conversation…please.

Shriou: That was…

Archer: Skin crawling? I get the feeling.

Shirou: I was going to say disturbing but yeah, that too.

Gilgamesh: DON'T LEAVE ME OUT OF THIS.

Shirou: Have you noticed that Gil's presence has weakened considerably?

Archer: I think I know what you mean. This doesn't make me like you any more, BTW.

Shirou: …no…just…no.

Archer: Hey, WFT is wrong with me using text speak? It's faster anyway.

Shirou: Man…seriously…just stop. You're making me feel ashamed that we are basically the same person.

Archer: LOL

Shirou: Keep it up and I am going to tell Rin all about this. About how you're wasting your time in a chat room instead of making her tea.

Archer: You wouldn't…

Shirou: Oh, but I would.

Archer: In that case, I will tell Saber that you are wasting your time in a chat room instead of making her food when she was famished.

Shirou: Bitch, you did not just go there.

Archer: Oh, but I did.

Gilgamesh: STOP IGNORING ME

Shirou: We shall settle this some other time. I have cooking duties to get back to.

Archer: You think you're the only busy one? I still have to clean and hoover the living room and we all know how freaking big Rin's mansion is.

**Gilgamesh has left the chat room.**

Shirou: By the way… am I the only one who's feeling that I'm incredibly OOC right now?

Archer: What the hell is OOC? Occult with Osmosis and Constipation?

Shirou: No, it means Out Of Character. Geez, get your fanfiction terms right.

Archer: What the fuck is fanfiction?

Shirou: You obviously don't know your internet and fandom. By the way, my OTP is myself and Saber. Although I have to admit that Saber and Rin is pretty hot. Well, as far as fiction goes, anyway.

Archer: You know what…I give up. You are really weird and I mean _really _weird. Trust me, I've seen a _lot _of weird in my counter guardian days but this is just… and you say _you're _ashamed that we're practically the same person. (Which BTW, we are definitely not. I am _way way way _more awesome than you.)

Shirou: Uh-huh. Of course you're more awesome.

Archer: Dude, are you seriously trying to be sarcastic with me? 'cause if you are, you better stop right there because sarcasm is my thing.

Shirou: Whatever gets you to sleep at night…

Archer: I am a heroic spirit so sleep is unneeded.

Shirou: Well… you're ugly. What's with the white hair? I've seen it way too many times in animes. I personally prefer Ilya's shade of white.

Archer: You would, wouldn't you?

Shirou:…What was that meant to imply? I don't get it.

Archer: Tell you what, neither do I. it just seemed like the right thing to say.

Shirou: This is a bit out of topic but why did I suddenly get shivers down my back?

Archer: Funny, because I had the exact same feeling.

**Angry/Hungry lion has joined the chartroom. **

Shirou: OH SHIT…I think I know why.

Saber: Shirou.

Shirou: …YES- yes, What is it, Saber?...*nervous face*

Saber: WHERE

Saber: IS

Saber: MY

Saber: FOOD?

Shirou: *gulp* …calm down, let's calm down. We can sort this out civilly without violence or broken bones on my part. FOOD- yes, food can be sorted out. More like, please don't kill me today! I will made food straight away!

Saber: Shirou, stop shouting. I will most definitely not kill you.

Shirou: Phew.

Saber: Not today, at least.

Shirou: ….NOOOOOO!

Archer: *cough* whipped *cought*

Shirou: Shut up!

**Tea deprived Rin has joined the chat room.**

Archer: Funny… I think I know why I had that feeling too.

Rin: ARCHER

Archer: What now master?

Shirou: *mutter* let's see how long you can keep that attitude up.

Rin: WHERE

Rin: IS

Rin: MY

Rin: TEA?

Archer: umm…in the fridge?

Rin: NO! I wake up, in a bad mood for no reason, and I fully expected you to be there, holding a hot cup of tea. But what do I find instead? NO TEA and a messy room. I am going to go now to get some tea which you FAILED to make. We are going to have a TALK later.

**Rin has left the chat room.**

Archer: Shit, Shit, Double shit.

Shirou: HAR HAR Not so smug now are we?

Saber: FOOD. FOOD

Shirou: Ooops. Forgot about you for a minute there. I mean, of course.

Saber: FOOD

Shirou: Yes Saber, let's get you some food.

Saber: BREAK SHIROU'S BONES

Shirou: Umm.. please try and not to do that.

Archer: Please do.

Saber: BREAK ARCHER'S BONES

Archer: Yeah… I think I'm going to leave.

**Archer has left the chat room.**

Shirou: That coward…

Saber: Food please.

**Shirou and Saber have left the chat room.**

* * *

A/N: I don't even... What is this? If I am asked that question, I will have no answer. I realize that the characters were being very OOC. But then again, I am having a lot of fun writing this. This is just my way of getting out some stress. I am welcoming prompts- maybe like a topic- to get my chapters started. I am not one hundred percent sure when I am going to upload my next chapter but I will do what I can. So until then...

Cereal Ciller


	3. Date plans sneezing ruins everything

**Rider invited Ayako to a private chatting room**

Ayako: I'm almost afraid to ask but…what's the occasion?

Rider: Hello Mitsuduri-san. Master ordered me to be polite but would you mind if I referred you as Ayako-san?

Ayako: Um…I really don't mind as long as you don't kill me.

Rider: Why would I kill you? Master specifically ordered me not to.

Ayako: I guess I'll thank Shinji?

Rider: My master Sakura. Not the good-for-nothing, useless, no-matter-how-much-I-try-to-kill-him-he-just-doesn 't-die-Shinji.

Ayako: …I was wondering what was taking you so long to type. All the dashes must have taken a while.

Ayako: Before we get side-tracked, why did you invite only me?

Rider: You fascinate me.

Ayako: Um…thanks? Is that why you tried to kill me only the other day? Seriously, what is with everyone I surround myself with? Rin is super crazy, Sakura has a slave that wants to kill me, Shinji apparently is able to reincarnate himself, Emiya is totally good at archery but he doesn't join the club. I bet that blonde exchange student that always hangs around with him has something to do with that.

Rider: Are you finished with your rant?

Ayako: I think so.

Ayako: My fingers were flying all over the place.

Rider: I see…

Rider: On that note…

Ayako: On what note?! What could be a good topic that has relevance to my last comment?

Rider: As I was saying: on that note, I propose that we meet up at a café some time.

Ayako: I knew it… it has totally no relevance…say what?!

Rider: Well, it would be easier for us to talk.

Ayako: No,no,no. I prefer not to die young. Besides, what could we talk about?

Rider: If you feel uncomfortable about us being alone, I could invite Rin. I'm sure she wouldn't mind.

Ayako: I'm sure that she would.

Rider: Master can come too, if you'd like. I'm sure that she and Rin would be delighted to come.

Ayako: …You're not listening to me are you?

Rider: I can ask Rin to not bring Archer. I'm certain that this would be an easy job seeing that Rin is still annoyed at him for not being ready with a cup of tea when she woke up yesterday morning.

Ayako: Hmmm… no wonder she seemed to be in a bad mood when I gave her a call. Though I wonder what happened to Emiya-kun. I haven't contacted him for a while.

Rider: Shirou is now unable to move due to some circumstances. Master said he is in a state of immobility. Rest assured, Ayako-san. Master said that thankfully, no serious damage was spotted; only a few broken ribs.

Ayako: You would think broken ribs would fall into the serious damage category. But right now, I can't bring myself to care. HAHAHA SERVES HIM RIGHT FOR NOT JOINING THE ARCHERY TEAM! Eat that! EMIYA.

* * *

In Rin's mansion, a certain counter-guardian abruptly pauses his sweeping punishment and sneezes which in turn knocks over the bucket of water near his feet. Archer groans at his bad luck and quickly checks the clock. _Shit! _Ten minutes before Rin returns and he still hasn't finished cleaning the living room.

* * *

Meanwhile, at this very exact moment, Emiya Shirou also sneezes in his futon which in turn shoots an agonizing pain to his broken ribs. Shirou groans at his bad luck. As if broken bones aren't enough, he now has a cold. _Great, just great. _Some all-saving hero he is.

* * *

Also at this moment, in a parallel universe, Emiya Kiritsugu sneezes which in turn messes up his servant summoning. "I order you to-AACHHOO!" Irisviel tilts her head in confusion. She is sure that imitating a sneeze is not part of the incantation. She quickly concludes that her husband is indeed a very deep man. All pairs of eyes in the room turns to look at the green blob in the middle of the blood-red summoning circle. Ilyasviel tugs on her mother's sleeve. "Mummy, is that snot?" A tense silence fills the room.

* * *

Rider: You are acting strangely, Ayako-san.

Ayako: Hmm.. am I? For some reason, I'm suddenly in a better mood. It kind of feels like I've cursed three Emiyas. But that can't be it because there's only one Emiya I know.

Rider: Anyway, about the café date we were planning…

Ayako: You do realize that I haven't agreed to it yet don't you?

Rider: Are you refusing my request. It's perfectly fine if you do.

Ayako: Are you sure?

Rider: If you don't mind losing your head, then yes.

Ayako: …I knew there was a catch. Well, contrary to popular belief, I actually like my head on my shoulders so I guess my answer is a yes.

Rider: I knew you would come around.

Ayako: Given the circumstance, you would, wouldn't you?

Rider: How does Saturday the 20th sound?

Ayako: That's fine. Though I feel if I disagree, something bad is going to happen to me.

Rider: Don't be ridiculous. I will immediately end anyone who attempts to harm you.

Ayako: Even though you're on the top of my list right this moment?

Rider: MUHAHA SHIROU IS MINE! ONEE-CHAN CAN THROW HERSELF IN A DITCH AND SABER CAN SUCK HER THUMBS! ICE CREAM IS INVINCIBLE! AND SO AM I! HAHAH-URK113526VBFDU JHNLFV Slh ihhEG9VUTO

Ayako: Umm…what the hell just happened? Is my laptop broken?

Rider: I am terribly sorry about that. Master was drunk and at the same time, evil master came out. The end part where it doesn't make any sense is when I knocked her out and her head fell on the key board.

Ayako: Ohhkay. Although I love how you say that as if the first part made sense.

Rider: What are you talking about? Of course it made sense. Master was talking about killing everyone with her amazing evil powers to have Shirou eat ice-cream with her forever.

Ayako: I'm surprised you got all that out of the nonsense that's still on my screen…More like, your explanation didn't make much sense either.

Rider: Well, Master was drunk, after all.

Ayako: Oh, okay. Well, I gotta go. It was wonderful talking to you. Bye.

Rider: Remember the date Ayako-san. Saturday the 20th, 9:00 a.m. If you're late even for one minute, you will find a certain part of your body gone.

**Rider has left the chat room. **

Ayako: That was creepy…and really scary.

_10 minutes later_

Ayako: Umm… I forgot to ask but which café?

_15 minutes later_

Ayako: PLEASE ANSWER! I DON'T WANT MY HEAD GONE! : :(

* * *

**A/N: Hi guys! I'm back! Took me awhile but I AM BACK. I haven't given up on this story yet so worry not. I have no idea how many chapters I'm going to upload but since this isn't a continuous story, I guess it doesn't really matter. **

**Anyway, Thanks to everyone who has reviewed, followed or favorite-ed this story. With your support, I continue to write. **

**Also, special mention to anon 3 who gave me the idea for this chapter. Of course, I appreciate the other prompts as well. Well, this is it for now so until next time,**

**-Cereal Ciller**


End file.
